Dragging Feet ...

Stalling for time before I go to class. In the computer lab, second floor, a few feet away from awkwardness. Oh, who am I kidding? I feel awkward a lot of the time.  

I saw only one student in the classroom, that's another reason I'm stalling. 

The pressure is much more lifted, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Got one more class and two stories to turn in. 

I haven't eaten anything today. Just an Americano and Mtn Dew. Why is it spelt like that? In Cali, it's Mountain Dew. Now I'm seeing Mtn all over the place.

Yeah, that's a really stupid thing to blog about.

Now I'm just babbling, and that's never good because is going to be said that shouldn't. 

Going now!

Burned Bridges

I was IMing a friend last night about burned bridges. He and I dated briefly, then tried to be friends. Quite a few times we swore off on each other for oh-so many various reasons. We still talk after four years.
I asked him how we remained friends through all of it.
He said determination and perseverance ... or something like that.
I think we've such good friends right now is because we both moved far away from home for college and are going through similar experiences.

I'm usually not that person who remains friends after fights. I recently stopped talking to two other friends, one I knew for six years and another I knew briefly. Maybe I shouldn't be that way, but I wait until a tremendous pile of crap is made before I finally say, No more!
Maybe I shouldn't wait. Still, the crap piles up.
I'm in such a precarious position in life right now that I can only afford to make so many mistakes repeatedly. At least that seems to be my reason.

I guess I'm just amazed at how many bridges I've burned. Lordy lord.
And have no more ponderous on the matter.

Except that I've put a lot of "p" words in this entry.
Now I want to recite "Peter Piper," but will refrain.

Took A Chance ...

And yes, it involves a guy.
Every six months or so, I get the urge to take a chance on a guy. How does it go? Well, I've been single for three years.
There have been some guys that were interested, but I didn't return the favor. I'm not a total loss and I don't want to settle.
So I took a chance and the guy is already taken, but he appreciated my boldness. Still not sure how to take that except as a compliment.
I've basically been bi-polar about my action. Sometimes I think it is a good thing to be bold and take a chance. Then other times I wonder why I put myself out there like that. I mean, I've run into some assholes and have I got stories about them!
I guess I also realized that I have my guard up most of the time. That I give off the "Mind Your Own" vibe. And it takes awhile before I let that vibe calm down and bother with my looks again. It's such a long while because I forgot why I have that vibe up. It's what I attract when the vibe isn't there that brings the vibe right back: weirdos, pervs and nerds.
Sorry, but it's gotta be said.
And I have no right to lament that NO ONE asks me out. How can they when I have that vibe? When I let it down just long enough to take another chance and then shields are activated again.

So it's occurred to me that maybe I should be aware, but not self-cornered. I can take a chance on a guy but I can't allow chances to be made?
I sense some change here ...
And does anyone else have that Abba song in their head? I apologize.

Rain

It's been raining so much that I'm surprised Baltimore isn't a pool already. It kinda panics me, in a very silly way. But I'm from California, so give me a break.

I do like the rain, though, when I can get over my semi-fright. It's what I had wanted London to be like when I went in the summer of '07. Instead of fog and rain, I got a deep suntan.
A suntan, in London, when normally I manage to stay out of the sun in California.

Awhile back, I bought a huge sturdy umbrella because in one week I had ruined two small umbrellas to the Baltimore rain and wind (one of those umbrellas had been bought in London, for one day of rain). I was waiting at the Johns Hopkins stop, berating myself for working one last day at the Career Center when I could've stayed in, and the rain beat down. And when I say beat down, I mean beat down.
A young man standing next to me was hunched over, trying to keep warm in his hoodie. He wasn't much taller then me (5'1) and he was extremely lithe. I noticed he wore a wedding ring.
So dare I offer?
I became more anxious before the rain really pounded and the shuttle wasn't in sight.
He became more soaked and hunched over.
Finally, I took a few steps and asked, "Do you want to share until the bus comes?"
What could it hurt? The guy looked miserable. And cute. With a huge gold ring on that ring finger.
"Yes, thank you," he said immediately.
"Did you forget your umbrella?"
"Umm, no. I actually don't have one."
And dumb.
It wasn't much longer that the shuttle finally arrived and he thanked me again.
"No problem," I said. " I just wish I had asked sooner."

Sharing is Caring!
I will consider sharing my umbrella more often.

why won't that damn creamcatcher work?

I'm playing catch-up on my blogs (*wrist slap*) and looking over April I think I wrote a lot about dreams. So I'll write about some recent doosies I've had.

Since I've moved here, it's becoming a usual thing to find myself in mid-yell while waking up from a nightmare. I'll finish the word that I started saying in the dream. In these last two dreams, the word was "Mom."

I hate it when the nightmare involves my dog because of how guilty I'd feel, since I dragged her all the way out to the East Coast. In this nightmare, she ran out of the apartment and into the street. My parents were visiting at the time and my mom was closest to catching Gizzy, so I called out "Mom!" Another thing I had in nightmares is that I freeze; I don't move from fright, which is one of the stupidest things to happen! So I stand there and watch my mom chasing Gizzy, except Gizzy is too fast and she gets hit by a car, brown and white fur flying through the air while blood spurts. She lands on the ground and tries to walk, but her leg is obvious broken. I have the thought that maybe she'll be okay, we just gotta get her to a vet, and I shout "Mom" again.
Waking up, I'm still shouting "Mom" and Gizzy has her face very close to mine with her paws on my chest. What a site to wake up to.

The other dream ended with me getting cut in the arm by some sharp plant and tons of dark red blood oozing out and all over the place. I try to keep quiet but there's so much blood that I finally have to shout for my mom.

So gory, so gory.

Confession

I have a confession: I didn't go to the poetry reading.

I'd like to go further into why I didn't, but all I can say for right now are keys, my dog, paranoia and just being plain exhausted.
So many stupid things happen and pile up and then there's the matter of dealing with it all.
Seriously.

But about the poetry reading, I'm not going to lie and say I went, though I already did research on the guy and know for a fact that the room at his reading was pretty full, thereby no one would know if I was there or not.
I just don't want to lie. Lies are some of the few things I can't stand at all.

Plus, I find it hard to sit through poetry readings. I know I should support them nonetheless, and usually do. But that day had already been impossibly hard for me.
Not excusing myself, just giving a reason.

So now I feel better about it!

She asked.

She asked the question out of frustration and a little anger, while on the phone thousands of miles away.
"How much longer are you going to stay out there?"
I thought I'd finish up with school ASAP, and I hadn't counted on the economy turning so terrible. Meaning full-time work and part-time school. Meaning out on the East Coast for a few more years.
The situation isn't like a friend of mine had, whereas she moved from SoCali to Chicago to get over a boy, and then have that story morph into leaving because she needed to "find herself" and grow up.
I'm here and I know it. I've tried to take responsibility, even when it wasn't mine to take (really need to stop doing that). So I moved thousands of miles away just to push myself, testing how strong I still can be.
Oh boy, has that been tested.

But what else is there? The writing. That's another biggie to realize. Why I came out so far from home. I've been so strangely numb to writing that it's been tough going.
It's getting better, though. Gotta sit my ass in a chair and type until I have 500 words, but it's worked so far.
Not so afraid of it, anymore.

I'm reminded of a Smiths song, "How Soon Is Now?" That's what my life was like back home. It wasn't going anywhere. So I moved.
And now here I am.

New News

I got the job! That's very good news because 1) I need a full-time job and 2) kinda need health benefits. In this economy, I somehow pulled it off.
Well, I still don't know how much I make, but I'm guessing it can't be that bad.

Secondly, I don't know where I'm going to live or when. I thought I knew, but alas, everything has once again been tossed up in the air. I don't know if I should buy a car and ride out the hell-hole apartment until the lease is up in July or move within walking distance of my work and hold off on a car. Or do both.
I think I'm getting the car. My SoCali genes want to drive again so bad!

I was really depressed over the weekend, to the point where the nightmares were terrible. It's amazing that I feel as well as I do now.
I guess it's because I've taken a lot of chances since moving to Baltimore. The end of my first year in grad school will be up.
A lot has happened.